I FELL OFF THE WAGON

So I fell off the wagon Saturday night at my Passion Party. I drank 6 glasses of wine through out the night. Sunday was good. Then Monday, when I got off work and picked Martin up from work we stopped at McDonald's and I ate chicken nuggets, fries, and ranch. Then Tuesday, I ate green chili beef stew with 2 tortillas instead of the lunch I had packed for myself. Then when I got off I ate half of an all american jack and half of a medium fry. Sooooo, that wasn't all, when I got home I had three glasses of wine. But I am back on track today. I am going to start walking again today also, because I haven't walked since Saturday.

I am a little frustrated with myself. But I will do this. I gained a pound with all the screw ups, so now I am 2 lbs away from my 215 mark.

another day

Got a new job today. weigh in at 217lbs this morning with a fasting blood sugar of 148. Woot! I didn't eat any fast food today, instead I bought a bottle of water and a fresh fruit bowl from Circle K. I had a granola bar for breakfast with my coffee. Seriously considering switching to splenda for my coffee instead of the flavored stuff. I am realizing that it really raises my blood sugar.

911 calories

911 calories is all I had today, didn't drink all of my water like I was supposed to, but on the other hand I had not one diet soda today. My husband was nice enough to eat all of the ice cream today so that I wouldn't be left at home alone with it.

I ate a six inch veggie sub with guac in place of the mayo I love so much, and no cheese for lunch. I had one can of tuna, 1 tbsp of pickle relish and seasoning to taste with no mayo, and ritz crackers for dinner. I started to get hungry later on so I had a slice of turkey, and cup of bullion soup. Later on in the evening, I enjoyed a double serving of V-8 juice. Yum, yum.

My blood sugar was 267 this morning before lunch, I skipped breakfast. Just now before bed, it was 198. yay! I weighed 218.0 this morning. Can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store for me.

No more chicken wings

So, I didn't work today which threw my eating schedule right out the window. Skipped breakfast because I slept through it. We ate at native new yorker for lunch because its .39 wings. I had 10 wings w/ranch. Bad idea. I looked up the nutrition facts and for 5 wings it's 794 calories. So multiply that by 2 and you have a whopping 1,588 calories, that doesn't include the ranch that I drowned each one of those little delicious wings in.

I took Grandma to the casino and ate nothing else for the day until I got home just a bit ago. I had a slice of turkey, some cantaloupe and some bouillon soup.

So I should also mention I had no water today only unsweet tea and diet soda. UGH! Not a happy day for life changes.

Sick!

Every week I watch Chris Powell and Extreme makeover weight loss edition. And every week I sit and I cry right along with those people. I may not be over 400 pounds, but I feel just as heavy as they look.

I ask myself why the hell can't I get it together. Why aren't my children and my husband and my own life enough to get me motivated and stay motivated. Why am I really so selfish. But the truth is that, I just don't know. What I do know is that it hurts to think that I have let myself get this heavy. It hurts to think that I allowed other people and negativity to get to me so badly that I just gave up on me.

I make plans all the time, I make schedules for the day and fail to keep them. I refuse to do what needs to be done to accomplish my goals. My facebook friend JodyMarie runs everyday and she was just as heavy a year ago as I am now. So why can't I do what she does? What's wrong with me? Any takers? Any one want to analyze my situation. Anyone dare to answer the unasnwerable? So soon I will post a beginning picture. Every month I will post a new picture, lets see how this goes. Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to cry, it's gonna hurt, but it's got to be done, if I intend on living a little longer the rest of my family members.

day 21

Where do I begin? How do I begin? 21 days, just doesn't seem like that long. Yet in this time I've discovered so much about myself. First, let me start from the beginning. Friday, November 13th, 2009 I meet this very wonderful man. Martin Getz to be exact. I had sent him a message at pof.com and he answered me back. We immediately went to yahoo IM and then talking on the phone and everything was going so well within a matter of 3 days we decided to meet. But only by default. My sister and I were supposed to go out that night but she couldn't make it and I had decided to rent some movies and go home. But then I remembered to call Martin. One of the best decisions I had made in a long time. We watched G.I. Joe and He's just not that into you. Both great movies I think. Martin wasn't really feeling the G.I. Joe but that's o.k. LOL! anyway, from that day on we've been inseparable.

In just a few days, I knew I was in love. Martin is an amazing man. He's romantic, gentle, loving, caring, considerate and did I mention romantic? lol. He sings to me, writes me love letters, calls me when i'm on his mind which is quite often according to the amount of phone calls I receive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love you hear his voice. I love it when he sings to me, or slow dances with me in front of the fire place. The Friday after thanksgiving we put up the Christmas tree, he built a fire, enjoyed a glass of wine, a slow dance, some great conversation, a wonderful c.d. he had created back in his d.j. days.

Everything is so perfect, I'm so in love with him. He says he's in love with me too. And his actions scream out "i'm in love with you". He's so cute when he talks to his parents or family he sings "I got a brand new girlfriend".

On Thanksgiving he was so amazing. It would have been very easy for him to convince me he was to tired to pay my Aunt another visit so late in the evening considering we were already there once that day. But he didn't even try, never mind that he had worked the night before and was extremely exhausted. He drove back to my Aunt's house and made it possible for me to see all my cousins and my Aunt Mae, all of whom I had not seen since we were children. I was so happy and so overwhelmed at the same time. Martin said he loved seeing me that happy. I've never has someone care so much about my happiness, my comfort or even my feelings but he does. He makes a conscious effort to think about those things.

His family thinks he's rushing into things too fast. And at first so did we but sometimes when you're sure of things like we're sure of us and what we have there's nothing you can do about it. Just let love take it's course. I love this man, I want to spend the rest of my life making him the happiest man in the whole entire world. He makes me so happy, every free moment I have I find myself thinking about him and how happy he makes me.

Yesterday, we put together a puzzle. We had so much fun doing that. We work out together. We work in the yard together. We are working on putting together a scrapbook of our relationship. We do everything together. I so look forward to the days off we get together, the time we take just to veg. Those moments are the greatest moments of all. I swear I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I love Martin. He makes me smile. He fills my heart with emotions I can't even put words to, I just know they put a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I seriously am content with my life just making him happy and attempting to give back to him even just a portion of what he's given me in just these 3 short weeks.